Momo Moans.

I am resisting this huge urge of going to retail therapy.

Just so you know.

My friends, they have always accused me for being secretive. Although sometimes they meant it in a good humored way, saying that I’ve always looked happy and bubbly, sometimes, my being quiet about myself, despite my talkative nature frustrated them.

Like yesterday, a friend asked me on what my honest opinion about him, and he was not satisfied with my answer, saying that I chose to play safe instead of telling the whole truth, and said, that’s how I’ve been. Always listening to others but rarely opened up to other people.

My friends told me that I am a good listener-something I was not aware of, because I could not say no when people came up to me to vent, so I listened. It’s not my choice, but I welcomed and honored their trusts. I have been carrying a whole lot of people’s secrets in my chest; I have been warned not to let it slip during their wedding’s toast ceremony.

Perhaps that is how I am. I told a friend of mine last night that my judgment is my right. And as long as he is my friend and I am his, I would not see how my opinion would matter, if you are my friend that means I like you enough to be your friend. And I would say whatever I want to say when I need to say it. I learnt that what I think of others and what they think of me would not matter as much as how I think of myself-and how you think of yourself too. And that’s exactly what I told him.

But yea, I am not offended with my friends’ accusation of being secretive and coward to open up to others. They have even complained that I never gave them chances to show that they cared. But I don’t blame them; it showed that they knew me well enough, because there are some truths in it. Blame it on upbringing, blame it on ego, I just could not open up as much as other people do. Sometimes I admired people who could bare everything to everyone, how they talked and expressed their life’s story freely. I, well, that is just not me, I guess.

It took me four years to come out clean about my life with my friends, and that was when I was 14. It took me a whole lot of six years to bare all my heart’s contents to my boyfriend-the one whom I shared everything with apart from my mom and my brother. It took me two years to let my friend know what I have been through during my college days but yes, even now, not many people know about it. I was and will always be secretive about myself.

That’s the reason why I found it hard to look at the people who fucked pieces about me that I entrusted them with ever the same again. Although I accepted my mistake for trusting them and I have only myself to be blamed, I hate knowing that I have shared something I kept very sacred to myself to the people who was not cared enough to know how hard and how life-changing it was for me to speak of my life, my story.

I have always have this thought, if you found me, and cared enough about me, you’d stay. And you’d have known a great deal of me that you could not take it anymore, you could leave, but by then only God knows how I prayed for you to stay.

That’s what I’ve told shafiQ. Because he is the closest person to me-and he is a complete stranger who knows me more than anyone else in this world could.

An insighful crap.

I have so many things to write about but I have limited amount of patience to search for the right words.

Perhaps I am lazy, and hell, I should not be.

I am thankful, very much thankful that I could not possibly express it in words, but only God knows how grateful I am for everything. There will be good and bad days, but what’s life without it?

That being said, it does not mean I would want to become complacent either. Like today, I had a huge slap on my ego when someone actually snapped me back to reality with her words, and it still plays in mind. I would have felt terrible in my younger days, but not so anymore. I know I needed that. I needed to be reminded from time to time.

The road to self-discovery and life-learning is a never ending process. I need to remember that too. I have seen people burning themself too much, chasing and running for momentary glory and lost forever.

I am not a person with the biggest ambition in the world, but I think I’m cool with that.

What I needed the most is to learn to accept and fulfill my duty sincerely and obligingly.

At the end of the day, it’s what I’m supposed to do, to be the person I am supposed to be.

I want to watch love me if you dare.

I have more Koneks set of friend I could ever imagine. ;P